by Chey Scott
The cat featured in Cat Friday this week pretty much speaks for himself. Seriously. For the first time ever, The Inlander has done a Q&A with a cat.
Colonel Meow, a fierce-looking, aspiring world leader broke through the viral Internet barrier last month after making appearances on just about every major cat website, and, of course, all the major compilations of cool shit on the ’Net: Reddit, Buzzfeed and The Daily What. Oh yeah, and he was on Anderson Cooper Live this week.
There’s no question why this cat is famous. Just look at him.
And guess what? He lives in Seattle. Hallelujah — the glorious state of Washington finally has a celebri-cat to be proud of! Thank your lucky stars the Seattle Persian and Himalayan Rescue, a group that rescues purebred cats from kill shelters, saved the consternated, floofy, grey and black cat from a less desirable fate. As the story goes, Colonel Meow was found in a box on the side of the road, abandoned with his brother, Merlin the Meowciful. You can follow him on Facebook, too.
Colonel Meow’s “Master” Anne Marie Avey adopted him last year, and since finding his forever home this cat’s been living the dream life — planning world domination, recruiting his minion army and requesting lots of treaties and scotch on the rocks.
Seeing as he celebrated his birthday yesterday and is no doubt very busy planning his world takeover and encouraging his minions to frown bomb everyone they know, we are truly honored by Colonel Meow’s agreement to answer some questions for Cat Friday. We can’t forget to mention his very obvious disdain for Boo the Dog. F***ing hipster.
I mean, just in the last week we’ve seen Colonel Meow’s minion army grow from the low 60,000s to just shy of 74,000. This cat knows how to brainwash. All it takes is one condescending look from him and you’re in.
Okay, we’ll shut up now and let you read the words from the man-cat himself.
Inlander: I see that Oct. 11 is your birthday. What plans did you have to celebrate such a very important event? Are there any gifts you requested from your Master or your minions?
Col. Meow: I request Boots to carry me on her back to and from my kitty litter. I expect treaties for 24 hrs straight. I expect my scotch to have one cube; no more, no less. No brushing. I shall be snuggied three times throughout the day; preferably when I am passed out. And I request Ellen to be on; because it is 'Cat Week' and I want to see what assholes made it onto the show.
Inlander: I see you were rescued by the Seattle Persian and Himalayan Rescue (they're awesome!). What do you remember about your life before you became known as Colonel Meow?
Col. Meow: I try to block out that part of my life, but thanks for bringing it up.
Inlander: Have you always had a perma-frown?
Col. Meow: Who's frowning? ]:<
Inlander: Speaking of, why do you frown?
Col Meow: Have you ever looked at Boo the Dog's page before?
Inlander: Also, how is your fur so floofy? Do you know what breeds you may have descended from to achieve your intimidating look?
Col. Meow: No LA Looks for this man-cat. And is “Breathtaking” a breed?
Inlander: Tell me a little bit about your Master, Anne Marie. What do you love about her and what kinds of things do you like to do together? (Besides drink scotch.)
Col. Meow: For some reason she is always laughing at me, even when I am being serious. I don't quite understand that. And she always talks to me like a goddamn 2 year old... I know I'm two and all, but that's not the point.
Inlander: Other than for obvious reasons, why did she pick you out of the other cats at the rescue? Also, we hear you have a brother out there. Is he collaborating on your plans for world domination?
Col. Meow: Look at me, the answer is obvious. I come from the “Breathtaking” breed, remember?
Inlander: What is your favorite past time, other than recruiting minions for your army?
Col. Meow: Licking my ass, swatting Boot's annoying ass, kissing Master's ass to get treaties, and making Master's asshole male servant scratch my ass.
Colonel Meow and Boots the dog.
Inlander: Can we expect to see your likeness on any kinds of t-shirts or other merch any time soon?
Col. Meow: To all those eager fans out there... yes, there will be more of me on t-shirts and other merch coming soon. I can't wait to see myself everywhere. America is gonna start looking good.
Inlander: How do you handle all of the sudden fame and attention you've been getting?
Col. Meow: Like a man-cat.
Inlander: Who is your favorite political leader of all time?
Col. Meow: Simba, the Lion King. Some days you just gotta say, "Hakuna Matata."
Inlander: What's your favorite beverage or food of choice?
Col. Meow: Scotch and treaties, you idiot.
Inlander: We saw your apparent disdain for Boo, the dog, but how do you feel about some of your famous feline counterparts like LIL BUB, Grumpy Cat, Smoosh, Maru, Luna the Fashion Kitty and City the Kitty, among the many others?
Col. Meow: I don't believe in Cat-on-Cat hate. But, I hear Grumpy Cat is a recovering meth addict... but don’t quote me on that.
Inlander: When you achieve world domination, what is one thing you hope to accomplish first?
Col. Meow: I want all the scotch and all the treaties to be rounded up and brought to me in my castle. Yes, I will be living in a castle.
Inlander: Any words you'd like to share with your fans in Spokane and with Inlander readers?
Col. Meow: I know you live in Spokane, but keep hope alive and vote for me. Colonel/Boots 2012. In the meantime, pour yourself a scotch... you're gonna need it.
And these were his last words to me: Hope this works for you Chey. And don't ever ask me for anything again. I'll be watching you.
I’ve been warned. Thank you again, Colonel Meow and his Master for allowing us to feature you on Cat Friday. We hope your minion army quadruples in size because of it.