Borowitz Report

by ANDY BOROWITZ & r & & r & BOLD NEWS PREDICTIONS FOR 2008 & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & J & lt;/span & anuary: After paying $5 billion for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.





February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's waterboarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.





March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second Transformers film without a script, just like they did with the first one.





April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."





May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War." June: Experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.





July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."





August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night."





September: At the Republican National Convention, GOP nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.





October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.





November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the $5 billion cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country."





December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops -- through Iran.