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Banana Ice Cream Popsicles

Put the green in the coconut, and mix it all together

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This was not the ice cream we were looking for. - YOUNG KWAK
  • Young Kwak
  • This was not the ice cream we were looking for.

You've never made edibles before? Me neither.

But it's summer, and you know what sounds delicious? Some of that vegan banana "ice cream." You know, the kind the internet shouts is "Just like the real thing!" with only a handful of ingredients, and no dairy.

The idea is to just freeze a bunch of bananas, blend them up in a food processor, maybe add an ingredient or two, and voila! Soft-serve. Or you can freeze it to get hard ice cream.

Spoiler alert: Those recipes are lying liars. It doesn't freeze like ice cream. It doesn't blend easily. And it sure as hell isn't the tasty spoonful of ice cream you thought it would be.

But I didn't know that when I thought I had the brilliant idea of combining weed with coconut oil, chocolate and bananas. I was too busy salivating at how great this recipe I'd never tried would turn out.

And it did sort of work — just not in the way I thought it would. Here's a loose, diary-style recipe. Feel free to adjust as you see fit.

FRIDAY

5 pm: Buy bananas, coconut oil, cocoa powder and vanilla.

6 pm: Go to local pot shop. Tell them I want to use some flower to make edibles. Go with 3.5 grams of Blueberry Blast, because that sounds tasty, and like it might go well with fruit.

6:30 pm: Peel bananas and put them in the freezer. Go out. Make good choices.

SATURDAY

11 am: Grind up the buds and dump them in a crock pot with two cups of coconut oil, turn the heat to low, and set a timer for 5 hours. Put fan in the window, facing out to vent the smell.

4 pm: Turn off the heat and let oil cool. It's gone from colorless to a green that's the color of good olive oil.

4:01 pm: Go out. Make bad choices. Forget oil in crock pot.

SUNDAY

10 am: Look in crock pot to see that oil has half cooled. Little bulbous circles of fat have congealed around the chunks of flower (coconut oil is liquid at 76 degrees). It looks kind of like mold. Worry for two minutes that the oil is ruined.

10:02 am: Turn the heat back on.

10:04 am: It's all good, guys. It's fine.

10:05 am: Filter oil into container, sifting out pieces of bud.

6 pm: Break up a few frozen bananas and put chunks in borrowed Magic Bullet. Pour in about 1 tablespoon of oil per banana. Try to blend. Too frozen. Wait for bananas to thaw a bit.

6:10 pm: Still too frozen.

6:15 pm: Still too frozen.

6:16 pm: Stab pieces with butter knife until they start to soften enough to try to blend.

6:17 pm: &$%@!!!

6:25 pm: Add some canned coconut milk that's been hiding in the cupboard. Finally get some blending on. Add cocoa powder.

6:26 pm: Cocoa powder is officially freezing. Instead of incorporating with the bananas, it's now sprinkled throughout the mixture, in what I know will be bitter little chunks to bite into. I thought I was good at being creative in the kitchen. I thought if writing didn't work out, I could always fall back on baking. Who has a Plan C? Is that even a thing? I think I need a Plan C.

6:30 pm: OK, this does actually look soft enough to... drink? It's more like a super-thick smoothie than soft-serve ice cream. Put it in an airtight container in the freezer.

MONDAY

8 am: Check container. This is frozen so hard it would bend a spoon. This is not ice cream. This is not "nice" cream. This is bananot what I was promised.

8:05 am: Put container in fridge to soften things up.

6 pm: Transfer mixture to ice cube tray — we're making banana popsicles instead!

This recipe will leave you with plenty of leftover oil, so you can try (and fail!) at making plenty of other recipes.

As with any edible, try only a little piece to start. In this case, maybe try half an ice cube/popsicle, until you know how strong the oil is, and how well you incorporated it into the recipe (if this wasn't done well, some pieces may be very potent, while others won't be at all). The key is to always wait a few hours before trying more. Don't wait half an hour, eat more, and then hate yourself later. ♦