FITNESS | You mosey over to the elliptical machine and fling around a couple of dumbbells. After an hour, you guzzle your $6 smoothie and clock out. If this is what your semi-regular gym routine looks like, let's be honest: You probably burned more calories flipping through US Weekly than you did moving any of your limbs. If you truly want to stave off your winter muffin top, you'll have to put in a little more effort. Enter Chrome Personal Training Centre on E. North Foothills Drive, which will kick your ass multiple times a week with its fast-paced, all-fitness-levels boot-camp classes for just $45 a month or $5 per session. Chrome's classes keep your heart rate pumping, using a constantly changing combination of plyometrics, resistance training, circuits and cardio. The best part? They're only 30 minutes long, giving you plenty of time to break a sweat and catch Scandal all in the same night.
LISTICLES | If you've ever spent a few hours too many watching cat videos on the Internet when you should have been working, you know how important it is to procrastinate efficiently. To that end, I humbly submit to you Matt Stopera, the only writer at BuzzFeed worth wasting your time on. Stopera's oeuvre includes instructive epistles ("Why We All Need To Start Using The Word 'Quiche'"), informative guides ("71 Reasons We Need To SAVE CORGIS FROM EXTINCTION"), and odes to the sexiest man on earth ("The 33 Most Jizz-Worthy Moments In Ryan Gosling's 33 Years On Earth"). Next time you're feeling some looming deadline pressure, resist the urge to click on your weird second cousin's vague, inane Upworthy link and instead indulge in Ryan Gosling's gleaming pectorals at buzzfeed.com/mjs538.
TWITTER | Speaking of Upworthy — the heavily trafficked, social media-driven purveyor of feel-good, socially conscious YouTube videos — why hasn't anyone invented an app that bans the site's cloying click-bait from the Interwebz forever? While we wait in anticipation, at least we can follow @UpWorthIt and @Downworth on Twitter, which mock the site's formulaic, hysterically chipper headlines with tweets like, "This Brave Young Woman Proves In Spectacular Fashion That She's Allergic To Gluten, Not Life" and "He's Not A Magician - So Why Is He Sobbing And Trying To Swallow Razor Blades On The Street Corner?" To avoid the compulsion to click on an Upworthy link ever again, there's even the @UpworthySpoiler Twitter feed. What's the "single most mind-altering photograph humanity has ever taken"? Just a blurry picture of Earth from space. Yawn.