He works a 9-to-5 desk job and is a card-carrying Republican. She's a soccer mom with PTA and youth group affiliations. Reliably straight, in other words; model citizens. What their friends, family and colleagues don't know, however, is that — psssst! — they love the ganj.
SEE BEHIND YOU GLASSES
The Closeted Stoner likes to conceal his habit stealthily. His dad jeans and comb-over help to throw off potential accusers, but he's occasionally wracked by bouts of paranoia that he'll be found out. Time to whip out some hip shades with mirrors on the inside, so you can live in peace. Scan the street before entering your favorite dispensary without turning your head, read the Green Zone at your cubicle without worrying about your boss sneaking up unnoticed, hide your bloodshot eyeballs! You're your own "safe space" with these See Behind You Glasses. $7.95 • Boo Radley's • 232 N. Howard
HIDDEN PIPE HI-LITER
Afraid that your mom will dig through your suitcase and find that precious hand-blown glass piece, making the holidays uniquely awkward? Go "underground" instead with a hi-liter pen that doubles as a clever vessel for an essential cannabis tool: the end unscrews to reveal a compact pipe. Supplement with an earmarked copy of Pope Francis' environmental encyclical Laudato Si', and you'll really have your kith and kin fooled. $9 • Zanies • 1214 W. Knox
Baking is a beloved human activity, even for the Closeted Stoner. Is your friend freaking out about the possibility of a surprise visitor while cooking up some cannabis cookies? Don't sweat it. Get her some Hot Sugar, which looks just like plain table sugar; neighbors dropping in won't suspect a thing. She could sweeten her coffee with it, too. Hell, she could even sprinkle it on cornflakes. Go crazy. Indulge, incognito, the inner mind-expanding sweet tooth. $15 for 100 milligrams • Satori • 2804 E. 30th
You want to smell earthy, like a tree. Just not that kind of tree. You're in luck, Closeted Stoner, and you can have your pick: Black Oak, Sitka Spruce, Moss, Woodsmoke and more. These potent scented candles will dispel any rumors that your herb of choice is cannabis sativa. Keep the flames burning long enough, and the candles' robust aromas will also work wonders for your lumbersexual pals struggling to reassert their masculinity. $22.95 • Atticus Coffee & Gifts • 222 N. Howard ♦