Remote Possibilities

by BEN KROMER & r & & r & Top Five Cancellation Travesties & r & & r & & lt;span class= "dropcap " & I & lt;/span & 'm of two minds about this ongoing writers strike. On one hand, some of the strikers are terrible at their jobs and deserve to be unemployed and miserable. On the other hand, the people they're striking against are jerks for trying to hog all the Internet money; they're also the idiots responsible for canceling the best shows while keeping the popular shows on the air for ever and ever.





So I'm siding with the working man on this one. And to really stick it their oppressors, I've compiled a list of the stupidest and most harmful (to me personally, at least) TV show cancellations in all of history.





The worst offender is 20th Century Fox. Truly, they are monsters. They aborted Judd Apatow's Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared after their first seasons, forcing Apatow and Seth Rogan into slumming it in movie-making careers. Likewise, Futurama was cancelled after five seasons; only now, at last, are new episodes being released as straight-to-DVD movies (which will be sliced up into the episodes of a sixth season on Comedy Central). The fact that things ended up kinda-sorta working out is no reason to forgive Fox for its trespasses against comedy and its mind-bogglingly bad judgment.





And then Fox cancelled Arrested Development, a show that somehow got a reputation for containing "highbrow," "sophisticated" comedy -- which just might be one of the reasons it got lousy ratings. If a family sitcom high on jokes about incest and gayness is what's considered highbrow now, then someone should sign me up for the McSweeneys and the Proust fan club because I guess I'm pretty highbrow.





Finally, worst of all, there's Veronica Mars being cancelled just last year. I don't even know what channel Mars was on because I rented the DVDs, but if I find the moron suit who cancelled that show, I'll grind his bones to powder and scoop his pitiful brain from his skull with my fingers, or at least yell at him. It sounds like I'm overreacting until you know that some faceless idiot's moronic business decision basically killed my imaginary girlfriend. I'm not going to watch Heroes, even to see Kristen Bell. Thanks for making this irritating, alien, Grey's Anatomy-loving world a little more lonely, jerk.





All these shows are on DVD. Proceeds for buying them will probably not go to the people who wrote them.





TiVo-Worthy





MonsterQuest


The problem with MonsterQuest is that while you watch it, something in the back of your head tells you it would have been on the news if any questers had actually found a Bigfoot, hobbit, werewolf, King Kong, Nessie or whatever. So while there isn't much suspense, it's always worthwhile to ogle the wonky things people believe in, then revel in your superiority to them. (The History Channel, all week, all the time)





The Whitest Kids U' Know


Racism, sexism, drugs, presidential assassinations -- it's all here. These are the guys who did the "you're doing it wrong/slow jerk" sketch that made the rounds on YouTube. Now, a lot of people like to say they're totally "down" with "edgy" comedy, but in reality, many get offended as easily as your parents do. This show is a good acid test. (IFC, sporadically, Sunday-Wednesday)





Cashmere Mafia


Brought to you by some idiots who thought it would be a good idea to make a Sex and the City rip-off. If you missed it, Sex and the City was a mediocre show enjoyed by mediocre women and gay men. My guess is that Cashmere Mafia will be mediocre-er. (ABC, Wednesdays, 10 pm)