The Borowitz Report

Howard Dean Calls Republicans the Party of the Fat and Ugly


by Andy Borowitz


Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean apologized today for calling Republicans "pretty much a white, Christian party," saying that he failed to mention that they were "fat and ugly" as well.


Dr. Dean offered the clarification at a press conference at the DNC headquarters in Washington, D.C., telling reporters, "Any characterization of Republicans as white and Christian is unfair, since it totally omits the fact that they are pretty much the party of the fat and the ugly, too."


The notoriously outspoken DNC chief immediately drew the ire of leading Republicans who objected to his characterization of them as predominantly white, Christian, fat and ugly. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) lashed out at Dr. Dean from the floor of the Senate, saying, "Anyone who says that Republicans are white, Christian, fat and ugly is only telling part of the story, and Dr. Dean owes an apology to all nonwhite, non-Christian Republicans who are skinny and attractive."


But hours later, Dr. Dean continued to stoke the controversy with his response to Sen. Frist's remarks: "I knew I was forgetting something -- Republicans are really stupid, too, and Bill Frist, in my opinion, is not even a real doctor."


In the aftermath of Dr. Dean's latest remarks, leading Democrats were mulling what to do about their volatile party chief, exploring a range of options including driving him out to the country and ditching him along a secluded road.


Elsewhere, the White House defended its decision to edit a report on global climate conditions after it was revealed that it had changed the word "catastrophic" to "nice."