When it appeared in theaters, The Tourist — a facile-looking thriller about an everyman caught in a cat-and-mouse game involving gangsters and Interpol — resembled a lame, slow-witted Hitchcock rip-off.
It stars Angelina Jolie, which would have been something 12 years ago, back when she turned in a good performance that one time (Girl, Interrupted). and sure, Johnny Depp is a genius, but even he had The Libertine — which is to say, sometimes not even atlas can shoulder all burdens.
Then, though, The Tourist was nominated for three Golden Globes: Best actor, Best actress, Best Picture. Strange.
Here’s where it really gets weird: The Tourist was nominated in the Musical or comedy category. this was a mystery that demanded investigation.
Would the DVD release reveal any jokes or dance numbers? could The Tourist actually turn out to be delightful?
Nope. The Tourist is Big Momma’s House with gorgeous white people.
People are hiding their identities — sometimes with chicanery, sometimes with plastic surgery. no one is who he or she seems. well, Jolie is who she always is: stonefaced and aloof (but here with an erratic British accent!).
Her lover is a con man, in debt to the crown for millions in back taxes, and also on the run from the mob, whose money he stole. The issue is that no one knows what he looks like! So they’re following her. The solution is to dupe a math teacher from Wisconsin (Depp) into shacking up with her to make the cops and the crooks think the teacher is the swindler.
The only real mystery here is why Depp took this role. our best guess is that the World’s Sexiest Man wanted to see if he could play a schlub. (he can. still, this is the worst Depp has ever looked in a film. and his character is utterly forgettable.)
We didn’t find any humor in The Tourist, unless the Hollywood Foreign Press (which puts on the Golden Globes) thought it was hilarious that anyone ever thought this movie was worth producing.
Just another joke we’re not laughing at. (Rated PG-13)